The woman in the mirror-can we rescue ourselves?
I found an old black and white photo in my mother's wallet. A small picture of my parents, my mother cradling a very newborn me. They both are looking grand in the attire of the late 1950’s; very adult and elegant, with wee little me wearing a long white baby gown. My mother has the demure smile a lady of that day wore, and my father has a somewhat surprised but generally happy look on his face.
It makes me sad to look at this picture. Not because it's the first time I've seen it, but because of all the promises of what life could have been, all the things that nice families of my generation had, such as a genuine closeness, the true parental guidance, interest and love that was the standard of the day. A family that protected you and did not see you as an opportunity for their own agendas. However dark those were.
Like a lot of you, being older and looking back with a more mature mind, I can absolutely say I survived my childhood as much as lived it.
We all come to animal welfare with life experiences that maybe aren't the greatest and this is not necessarily earned or our own fault. We fall victim to the consequences of other people’s decisions or lack thereof. So, we arrive in the world of animal welfare, where things are never going to be perfect, as equally imperfect beings. An outsider may say we are crazy, that this is probably the last place for someone who either knows their flaws (all too well) or is not willing to face them in a very raw way.
Is our empathy and reasoning for showing up to our shelter or vet practice due to our own need to be saved? That we too have been let down, abandoned, abused or made to feel unloved? We go there to save the animals but is there a way to help save ourselves along the way? Or is this very empathy driving us over a cliff of further disappointment and causing our own existence to shrink smaller ever day?
Our day goes like this, right? We hear of an abandoned animal or get a call from someone looking to surrender their pet. We ask the questions needed, dig into the situation, figure out what this animal will require at intake and their longer-term needs, get them to our program and start working on preparing them for a healthy and well-adjusted new life. We are constantly setting animals up for nothing less than a sunny future! Which is what makes us pretty special, despite being sometimes, well most of the time, covered in poop or our hair artfully arranged by time playing with a dog or cat in the shelter. We know the ins and outs of what can go wrong, we fix what needs to be done, we are oh so agile and understand setbacks are normal and will the make the best of it all. The animal needs us to understand what is best for them, for their specific personality, age, health and individual quirky needs, and we are that trustworthy resource. We make this look easy, folks who follow our programs on social media send “thank you’s” and heart emoji’s with every dog or cat update that gets posted. Veterinary care techs and professionals you do the same thing, you are the eyes and ears of what is really going on with the patient, you are part of that map to wellness and comfort for them and their families. We put so much good thought and time into making all this happen and create happy endings for the animals and those who adopt or own them every damn day.
You may have heard the quote, “I am not lost, I am exploring.” This phrase is us. We are not lost, we just exploring life and maybe not seeing the whole map and all it offers us! Our own personal “rescue” is not a lost cause.
To start, we have to figure out where it is we really want to “go”, in other words, where does our heart and soul need to be, metaphorically, to make us feel that we are important, loved and safe. We cannot effectively fix or solve something until we know the true issue. As animal welfare folks we understand this as we see it all the time in what we do. An example of this is, say a dog comes into your program and they are just itching the crud out of themselves. If someone says, the itch is because the dog is “filthy and has fleas”, but do you stop there and quit assessing the itching? Um, nooo. While yes, the dog gets a fine bath and checked for fleas you also have the vet do a more detailed exam looking for other root causes. Because the first gut feeling, or observation is often not enough, and to stand by that as the final answer would be a disservice to that dog’s health and our mission to do the best for any animal in our program. That said, is it not fair to give our own concerns equally excellent considerations so we will have the same quality outcomes that we work so hard for with the animals? You bet it is fair!
This is the part that takes time and needs a deeper jump into the rabbit hole than we may think. As just discussed, the actual issue may be more than what we may believe is the obvious problem, such as we come from an abusive relationship or feel like we are never good enough. Our initial gut feelings or well tread over list of what routinely makes us sad or beat ourselves up over are all good starting points, BUT we need to keep asking ourselves much more.
EXAMPLES: A question like, “Why is my past abuse continuing to haunt me?” can evolve to a more inquisitive question such as, “why do I feel the need to replay my past over and over, get angry or heartbroken over the same things, and what am I expecting to get out of doing this?”. And further, “is that expectation realistic and would it really make me happy?”. “Do I really want to move on, or do I think I will change history somehow if I keep holding this issue in my memory; what is preventing me from stopping rerunning this and wanting to moving on?”. “Has blaming someone or something given me any real ongoing satisfaction; what controllable things would give me real peace or happiness?”.
Can you see what direction I am leaning your self-talk towards with these sample questions? Ask yourself questions as if you were a very detail-oriented person (think of your best intake coordinator or front desk person and how they ask someone one question and then a bit later, they ask the same question again but with a twist to dig deeper and be sure they get the “real truth”. So don’t take your own first answer as the whole story, dig woman, dig! Ask ‘why’ or ‘what’ until you have no more left to give, or until you feel blocked. If you do get blocked, come back to that later, because you may have a mental block that previously helped you avoid unpleasant emotions or situations, but now is the time to uncork and free yourself!
You may have read a previous post on mediation. I found that in doing a short, 25-minute, session over a period of a few weeks, things and thoughts literally started to erupt from places deep in my subconscious. These new emotions and thoughts coming out really pushed my mind to realize and clarify some core issues I had avoided or pushed so far away I was not dealing with them at all yet feeling some pretty rough emotional and physical effects due to storing these rumbling beasts inside me.
To summarize, our goals here really come down to figuring out what our underlying issues are and then what is the best means to come to terms with them so we can take steps to heal and rescue our own personal situation. We do have an advantage here, as I mentioned earlier. Again, are we not super champions who do just that for the animals in our care? Yes, we are. And I know, turning that mirror inward will not feel normal or right or may downright feel like a waste of your precious time, I get it. But here is the thing, we cannot help a dog or cat that is not in our program, and if we don’t give ourselves permission to “join the program” we can never get started to rescue ourselves. We have to be ready and willing to take steps on behalf of our own best interest and outcome.
Time to do this may seem like a huge issue; our days are packed and stacked, and we often feel there is so much undone work we wish we could do if only the day had 25 hours (or 30 hours). So, what we need to do is grab the time you already have and fashion the agenda a bit differently to use this time for you. Examples: Clearing our head and getting to have those internal discussions can be done on a walk you may normally share once a week with a friend or others, instead try taking one of those walks alone and see where your mind goes. Driving to the shelter or doing transport or errands, instead of listening to music have a talk out loud with yourself and see what comes up or find a good podcast about self-discovery or someone who has had their own journey of finding themselves again or overcoming their past or addictions, and really listen and get inquisitive about it. I have had some very enlightening moments scooping poop from dog runs I must say. Again, you need to go into this with a mindset of accepting the chance to be open and believing something good can come of going down this road to a happier you.
I am not a therapist. The Blog is not intended as professional advice (see our Disclaimer page). I am folk just like you, who have walked through experiences people outside our world of animal welfare would never understand. My life as I mentioned at the start of this post, has not been roses and perfection either. I am flawed, scarred, tougher than I ever thought I could or should be and at times, a fragile shell waiting for a rainbow. I am a real human, just like you. But I found hope, through it all, and believe you can too. This post is to really share that possibilities and hope do exist. It is also a reminder and <BIG> hug to you that we all have been in a place where we feel lost and wish someone would just swoop in and save the day. You are not, no wait, let me rephrase that; you are NEVER alone in your feelings. We have to give ourselves a grain of belief that change can happen, and not let a lack of time, money or lack of family support prevent us from rehoming our own hearts to somewhere we will be happy and safe. Why is it we totally believe that the worst can happen, but when it comes to thinking about good things being possible we are so cynical?
Please seek out professional help if you are unsure; COVID has provided one blessing in that so many virtual healthcare options are now available and many doctors now use nurse practitioners, who I have found are very caring and make one feel extremely comfortable when sharing what is bothering you. And if feel you to hang out with others also going through this, don’t forget to share what is on your mind with us by commenting on this post or via either our Facebook Page or Group, or email me and I can rally some feedback with the group. You always can be anonymous, so this is a safe place to vent and share. I am one person and one opinion; your feedback can collectively be the thing someone just like you needs today and they in turn may have some insight that can help nudge you forward. This is your space to create a community you can feel safe leaning on and find your smile again.
Till next time,
From one Heart to another,
~Sandra